spindizzy: (Just let me rest)
Right, I've been avoiding my coping strategies like the plague for two weeks, so as you can imagine I am in a little bit of a state. I've got deadlines that I was cheerfully oblivious to until about an hour ago and like, a whole 8:45-17:15 shift that I just completely forgot existed until the manager rang me.

("Did you know that you're down to work at [library] today?"
"Am I?"
"That explains why you aren't there then!")

I also went to the doctor's today! [twitter.com profile] hardlyaverage was my responsibile adult, which was good because the plan was to ask my doctor if I could be tested for ADHD, and his reaction was... Pretty mild, but still "Are you sure you want that?"

Read more... )

Anyway, I THINK I've worked out what I need to get done tomorrow (proofreading, frantic reading, somehow trying to find time to swim AND write AND email about a shift I'm not sure I can do anymore, don't let myself get distracted doing the things that require no brainpower). I can do that! See you all tomorrow, hopefully when I've got a bit more done.
spindizzy: (Long way down)
 Hello my darlings! I am INCREDIBLY tired! I have successfully managed to change my hours at work (essentially getting a new job, because it's a new contract that means I don't accrue leave but DO get university holidays off, so swings and roundabouts I guess.), which is nice because yay more money and working the same hours every day! Boo because now I have to get up at six in the morning, and I am SO TIRED. My hours start next week, but I'm trying to scale my sleep cycle back far enough that I can actually, y'know, be functional in the morning when my hours change. It suuuuuuuuuuuucks. But on the plus side, apparently mornings have a little less customer interaction but a little more jobs that you can just work through to fill your shift than the afternoon or evening shifts, so this could be really good for me and my anxiety? Plus: afternoons off!

[twitter.com profile] splend and I have finally finished Beyond: Two Souls, by which I mean we spent like four hours cursing Rabid Rage's name to hell and back for this racist nonsense that he put together where you can't NOT kiss the creepy white dude. Next up: Life is Strange! We're probably gonna have to think REALLY fast to agree on decisions there, but it's fine! We will figure something out. (We really just need to start making a list of media we're gonna blitz together, because we have a lot of fun doing that! ... Also it's Sam's turn to pick the movies because he was Not Happy during Resident Evil 6.)

Um... What else is going on with me? Not much, to be honest. I'm kinda gearing back up into an end-of-year frenzy of words and crafting, because I have A BUNCH of Christmas presents to make (How many? SO MANY.) and I started a little too late. But it's fine! It's fine! I am being sure to pace myself and drink lots of water and take breaks, it's fine. Plus I have a delivery of SAFETY EYES waiting for me at home when I get back, so that's going to be exciting! I've got as far as I could get in one project without them, so the timing's pretty great. And I'm replaying Bioshock Infinite, because apparently Elizabeth is the person I'm in the mood for. Maybe I will achieve my plan of going through it in the order that SEEMS to be correct for maximum surprises (Bioshock Infinite, Bioshock, Bioshock 2, Burial at Sea. BURIAL AT SEA IS THE ONE I'M EXCITED FOR, OKAY, BECAUSE ELIZABETH.) I think I'm getting the balance right of "Must hit this deadline aaaaaaaaah!" to breaks that mean I'm not cramming at the deadline, so... Progress?

On that topic, apparently my christmas present from my doctor was validation that I've made progress and I've come a long way, considering that back in... April? I was convinced that I was never going to get better and that my anxiety was all that I was ever going to be, and now I'm treating my anxiety and slowly figuring out who I am underneath it! It turns out that when I'm not self-sabotaging myself, I'm actually kinda confident? Still not always good at judging what I can get done in the time available to me, but better than I was before I started treatment. It's weird! And kinda cool! And I hope that the new Susan is someone cool as well, because I put a lot of effort into making her!

But yeah, I've got nothing. Christmas plans are still a bit up in the air and need some hardcore wrangling, and I still have a couple more presents that I need to make and/or buy, but... It's fine. It feels doable. (I'll report back in a week or so as to whether it actually WAS doable!) How are you all doing? Are you all okay?
spindizzy: Taiga sleeping (Naptime)
In case you missed it: hi, I've stopped taking my St John's Wort & Ginkgo Biloba combo and switched to taking Fluoxetine! I'm still in the stage where it's just making me feel terrible before it (hopefully) makes me feel better (I know, I know, it can take three to six weeks before I notice a difference), but I figured I've ive a quick update on where I'm at. (I am livetweeting it, because I'm me and of course I am.)

Read more... )

Also, Lex is being amazing about this whole thing, he is being super supportive and checking on me, and is also my Responsible Adult Who Has Read The Side Effects So I Don't Have To (And Therefore Don't Psychosomatically Give Myself Symptoms) and just... Believes in me? I am doing a thing that is massively stressful to me that doesn't always make me feel great, but he believes that I'm being brave, which helps. ;______;

So uh... Thank you to Lex and Jay/Sam/Tonks and all of my twitter people who have been putting up with me grumbling about this! Hopefully that'll die down as things start working! Thank you for the support and reassurance. ♥
spindizzy: Noct hanging off the side of a building (Great view from up here)
Just a quick anxiety update for those who didn't see on twitter: I am officially on drugs now! I'm going to be taking Fluoxetine for a while; I've got two weeks worth on the kitchen counter, I've just got to do some schedule wrangling to work out when I start taking them.

(My original follow-up appointment at the doctor's was supposed to be on like the 10th, which meant that I could finish off my St John's Wort and then start the tablets on Monday. Except that I'm not in the city on the 10th, so I'm going to need to try to move my appointment, and either start taking the meds immediately and ring up for an extention prescription to tide me over till the week after, or just take the St John's Wort and start it a little later.)

... I did have a little sad after I handed in my prescription, because hello, I have officially resigned myself to not be able to magically somehow stop having anxiety on my own. But it's okay! I'm doing a good thing that will hopefully make me better and that's the important bit!
spindizzy: I feel like I spent the whole day fighting guys in rubber suits! D: (I feel like I've fought fake aliens)
Hey everyone! I went to therapy today and for the first time it felt... Not like everything was awful? I cried a lot but it felt kinda cathartic by the end?

Cutting for talk of suicide.

Read more... )

So... I feel bad that I took up so much of his time, but I do feel better, so that's nice? And I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow where we're going to talk about my finally going on meds, so I'll report back I guess! Love you all, be safe!
spindizzy: Saber kneeling (Knight)
​Hey everyone! I did not in fact get murdered at the therapist's office, which I was PRETTY sure I wouldn't, but stupid anxiety had latched onto that as a thing to worry about instead of worrying about the unknown. SURE BRAIN. YOU DO YOU.

[twitter.com profile] hardlyaverage and [twitter.com profile] captainraz took me to my appointment, because a) they are lovely and want me to be well, b) Jameson has a car and could give me a lift to this completely unknown part of town, and c) can't panic if you've got your Team You there to keep you safe! It turns out that the building this therapist is based in is UNNERVINGLY similar to the one that the counselling at University of Sheffield is in. It's UNCANNY. There were maybe two differences in layout, and that was "the receptionist is in the waiting room" and "there is a corridor going straight on instead of left-to-right." It was ODD.

As for the appointment itself... Hey everyone, did you know that I have anxiety? Because once again, it turns out that I sure do. The actual order of the appointment is kinda fuzzy in my brain, which is alarming but probably unsurprising, because I spent most of it crying? ... I guess caution warning for talk of self-harm, suicidal impulses, and massive amounts of anxiety?

Read more... )

So yeah, it was EMOTIONALLY DRAINING. I cried out probably all of the liquid I'd consumed that day, and then a bit more! And I haven't had a proper meal since breakfast because I went straight from that to work without really stopping to pass go or collect £200. But on the plus side, I have homework (read some information papers, fill in the questions, and he did the "look very serious and thoughtful, then add in another module" thing so I have a worksheet on worrying to do as well), which might be fun? Even if it's not fun, it's pink? And pink makes me happy. AND I have appointments booked for pretty much the entire rest of August, which is kinda fine and kinda "Well, I guess I'm not going to my aquafit class for the next month," because all of my appointments are on Wednesdays, on the opposite side of town to work/where I swim, so I guess I'm not doing that for a few weeks? Uggggh.
spindizzy: I feel like I spent the whole day fighting guys in rubber suits! D: (I feel like I've fought fake aliens)
look at it it's got anxiety meme

I survived the doctor appointment! I canonically have anxiety now! (Was it a headcanon before? Can someone turn this into the beautifully terrible joke it deserves?) Read more... )

Guys, I am so tired. I don't wanna write this day off, because I have a deadline tomorrow that I have NOT done the work for, but fucking hell I just want to sleep for a thousand years. But I did the thing! And whatever other things come my way that I have to do, at least it's not THAT thing!
spindizzy: A picture of Deadpool in mask and tuxedo, shrugging. (What can I say?)
Hey guys! I'm back, I say, like I've been anywhere. It turns out that I managed to avoid my productivity crashing and burning in March by the skin of my teeth and April exploded instead. IT'S OKAY, my only goals for spring are "Make it to the summer" so it's not too bad!

  • I intensely regret not knowing that that it was going to be so beautiful out today, because I would have ABSOLUTELY have worn my cute polka-dot summer dress in this. (I can fit a paperback in the pockets! I need to see if anyone is still selling the polka dot designs anywhere, because I will absolutely wear this design in every colour they've got, but I am INTIMIDATED by the patterns on the Lindy Bop site.) I'm pretty much waiting until my phone is charged, then me and my laptop are going to court sunburn outside.

  • The people who made Regency Solitaire have a new game out called Shadowhand and it is exactly what I have the brainpower for this last two weeks. It's basically solitaire with funky layouts and sometimes a plot (Regency Solitaire is a very gentle Regency romance with conniving men attempting to ruin the family/marry the protagonist, and Shadowhand is about a Lady who poses as a highwaywoman to gain information and is very cavalier about the amount of murders she commits), and it's gentle enough and predictable enough that I can deal with it. I've just temporarily lost my ability to cope with new media that ISN'T predictable and gentle, which is fine! I am rewatching Pacific Rim Uprising a bunch of times and bunkering down with shoujo manga and cozy mysteries until I can face more complicated things.

  • (I am up to four I think, which is SURE A NUMBER OF TIMES TO WATCH THIS MOVIE.)

  • I have been swimming! I dropped down the number of lengths I've been doing and haven't been to as much Aquafit because the times changed for a couple of weeks – I've been doing 26 and 28 lengths, and I come out of it hating myself slightly less? I guess because I am spinning my mental wheels over snarky movie commentary instead of INTENSELY HATING MYSELF for forty-five minutes.

  • Disaster Sock is coming along! I am just decreasing for the toe now, and then I get to experiment with sewing it all together! I know, I know, I am the slowest knitter in the world, but also DISASTER SOCK DREW BLOOD (CW: photo of a hole in my hand). Knitting is LETHAL, guys.

  • I was unintentionally the living embodiment of this XKCD strip the other day.

  • We finished Pandemic Legacy Season 2, and I won't spoil anything here because it can PROBABLY stand to be a post on it's own, but it sure was a thing that I finished. If anyone wants to talk about it, HIT ME UP.

  • Somehow, I have ended up in three regular games each week, despite being very clear that I was keeping this number low for maximum disaster time. I don't know how this happened? Either way, my character in the D&D 3.5 game managing to CRIT HERSELF TO DEATH and get reincarnated as a gross demon thing that also happens to have absolutely nails combat stats. ... Unfortunately, I've been very vulnerable to mind control thus far in the game, so we have Suspicions about how this is gonna go.

  • I was baffled enough when I discovered that A Perfect Circle had a new album out, but one of the songs is called So Long and Thanks For All the Fish. SURE APC, SURE.

  • It turns out that a lot of my mental and emotional processing powers is going to this fucking appointment tomorrow. I have been trying not to go on about it (yes, all of the tweets and random conversations about it are what it looks like when I am trying not to bother people, I'm sorry, this is who I am as a person) but I'm still fretting about it. Lex is trying to convince me that people are putting energy and emotional effort into this thing with me because they are my friends and wouldn't do it if they didn't want to, but also hahaha oh god so many people have done emotional labour for me on this and I am going to be GUTTED if I've wasted their time. (I am mainly trying to convince myself that if there was nothing wrong with me I would not burst into tears at the idea of this just being who I am and it never getting any better, but you can imagine how that's going.) I am telling myself very sternly that by this time tomorrow it'll all be over but the screaming, and it's literally just twenty minutes of my life to get through, but pweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

  • I dunno, that's just... Where I'm at, what I'm up to. Now I'm off to (try) to write what makes my heart do the smiley emote, so I'll see you all later! ♥
spindizzy: I feel like I spent the whole day fighting guys in rubber suits! D: (I feel like I've fought fake aliens)
Gone! Just, suddenly and without warning, gone. I got a fancy knee-brace and wore that for like... A month? And then I looked up yesterday and was like "Holy shit, my knee doesn't hurt anymore!"

I guess I must have strained the muscle or something? And because my day job is entirely standing -> walking -> bending and there is no way to access the staff areas that doesn't involve stairs, I wasn't resting it enough for it to heal. But hey, it's stopped now, I am not going to question it because holy shit not being in pain when I do things!
spindizzy: Young Goku holding a candle. (Here comes a candle)
Today I remembered that some of the food in the fridge was bought by me and I could eat it! I have prior for buying food, putting it in the fridge and then... Forgetting that I could eat it? Like, as soon as it goes into the fridge my brain tags it as [twitter.com profile] sithe's food and not for me, but today I remembered! And ate MULTIPLE MEALS. Tiniest achievements, yay!

(No lie, I was mostly asleep this morning and then remembered that I had bagels in the fridge so hard that I woke up! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
spindizzy: (Default)
Reminder: if you're like me and go "I did [normal innocuous thing] and [terrible thing that is completely unrelated] happened, therefore I have to avoid [normal thing] to stop [terrible thing] happening again": NO. IT WAS NOT THAT, OUR BRAINS ARE LYING TO US ABOUT PATTERNS THAT AREN'T THERE.

I get it; I have slept instead of watching the results come in for the last three elections (UK, Brexit, US) and my brain is doing the siren serenade of "maybe if we stay up and watch next time, it'll go how we want" but I'm pretty sure that isn't one of my superpowers. It won't help, loves, I promise you it won't help, because the two things were never connected in the first place.

Please, do what you need to to stay safe, okay? I like this checklist of things to run for mental health crises but y'all know yourselves better and have preferred coping strategies.
spindizzy: Gippal from Final Fantasy X-2, with the words "Jack of all trades" written over him. (Jack of all trades)
Yesterday I went swimming for the first time in like five years! I only did twenty-five lengths, which I was quite disappointed with but which my friends are telling me is FINE, so ???

([profile] jilliferium: Your expectatations are unrealistic and you should feel bad.
Me: It is a day ending in y, bears are catholic, and the pope shits in the woods.)

But yes, swimming. Lex is trying to be healthy, which is good! And I am like "uuuuuuuuuuuuuugh" about diets and eating healthily, so my contribution to this effort is being like "and now we swim" because swimming is good for me? Maybe? I feel Very Aware of my knees, but that's mainly because hahahaha I am so bad at breaststroke. And it turns out that if I get up before 8:00 even when I have a morning off, I am actually capable of DOING THINGS during the day before I go to work, WHO FUCKING KNEW.

I dunno. I made a deal with myself that I would go swimming at least 24 times, because that's once for each pound the swimsuits cost me, and then I will evaluate how I feel after that.

(I'd be more enthusiastic, but LANE SWIMMING IS THE MOST BORING THING ON EARTH, EVEN MORE SO IF YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN AND IT'S 8:30 IN THE MORNING SO YOU'RE FILLED WITH BEES AND HATRED. But also I am in a state where it's like "This body is grooooooooooooooooss!" whenever I'm near a mirror, so taking steps!)

ALSO I need to get used to wearing swimsuits that were designed for women of my girth, but not necessarily my... Proportions, because I am constantly worrying about the damn thing getting dragged down and flashing my boobs at the pool.

I still remember how to do the twisty-rolls at the end of the lane to launch you into the next lap and I am super pleased with this knowledge. :D
spindizzy: I feel like I spent the whole day fighting guys in rubber suits! D: (I feel like I've fought fake aliens)
  1. RIGHT, OKAY, I AM HERE. It feels like I haven't been because it's been a while since, y'know, posted content worth a damn? But here I am! For some reason, everything has felt off-kilter since like the start of February? But I've not been able to put a finger on why. POSSIBLY my anxiety has decided that shutting my brain down when deadlines happen has gone back to being a solid play? I dunno, I'm just... Trying to fix it.

    (I've been describing the plan to fix it as "Operation: Get out of the tree" in my head, because of a description Rachael Aaron gave of the three-act structure.)

    Act one: put your characters in a tree.
    Act two: light the tree on fire.
    Act three: get your characters out of the tree.

  2. Step one of trying to trying to fix it is going to be "going to bed by 1am. You laugh but it's true! MAYBE a little more sleep will help with concentration problems! Even if it doesn't, it will meant that the insomniac in my household stops casting shade at me for how little I sleep!

  3. I don't have a step two yet. Step two might be "try to eat at regular intervals" (which is difficult with shift work but not impossible), or it might be "hang out with people in a more focused way," or it might just be "post more about your ~feelings~ rather than shitposting on twitter!" Am going to attempt all of the above? I have star stickers and am not above giving myself stickers for being a functional adult. ... Shut up that does too make sense.

  4. Am considering going back to handwriting a ton of stuff before I post it, which is time-consuming but gives me a chance to think and makes it quicker when I'm actually at the computer? I dunno though.

  5. I WAS A GODDAMN ADULT ON SATURDAY! There was a spider in the shower and I glassed that fucker to the outside like a MOTHERFUCKING BOSS! I am so proud of myself, that was a fucking VICTORY OVER MY CRIPPLING ARACHNOPHOBIA, ALL HAIL TO ME.

    ... I also decided to maybe cut "self-harm" from my list of coping strategies, but that? That's harder to explain being proud of. CW: Self-harm )

spindizzy: Count D in a cleaning frenzy. (Working hard)
Okay, further to my previous post: I just cleaned the entire kitchen. Not like, because I was feeling manic or stressed or anything? Just... Kitchen needed cleaning. Now it's clean. I genuinely cannot explain to you how weird that is, because it's a thing that DOESN'T HAPPEN.

Also I'm now trying out Semagic because I've been informed that it works with Dreamwidth and MIGHT have scheduled posting. SO FAR: I can confirm that it will access my Dreamwidth account? Will have to investigate everything else further, but if this post pops up at 22:22 GMT then it means that I've got scheduled posting working.
spindizzy: Count D in a cleaning frenzy. (Working hard)
So, back in the summer when I was like "Do I or don't I have ADD?" (No firm conclusions, thanks NHS!), [personal profile] squeemu recommended some herbal supplement that I THINK is called ginkgo bilboa? And I generally don'lt believe in herbal anything, so I'm a bit sceptical, but I bought some because I might as well try it and see if it helps. Then I lost them in my bedroom somewhere for three months, because I am organised. :/ But I found them this week and started trying them out and...

Holy shit you guys


Like, I know this is very probably the placebo effect and what I'm probably taking is sugar pills? But it's a placebo effect that is apparently tripping a switch in my brain so that I look at something that needs doing and don't just go "Huh" and walk away. I actually stopped and dealt with it. Like, "Huh, that rubbish needs throwing away." *throws rubbish away* "The dishwasher needs loading!" *loads dishwasher* "I should throw away the empty spice jars." *makes a list of which spices need replacing, throws jars away* Yesterday it was "Hey, look at my writing to-do list." *burns through it at speed*

Like I said, probably a combo of placebo effect and my housemate not being in tonight (so I don't feel like moving around the living room is an inconvenience to people), but it's just... Is this what it feels like to be a normal not-chronically-lazy person? You can look at a task and just do it?

I don't know if there is a point to this post, but it's just... Holy shit. This feels amazing and I have no idea if it's real or a slip of the mind, but it's great.
spindizzy: I feel like I spent the whole day fighting guys in rubber suits! D: (I feel like I've fought fake aliens)
So, I may have mentioned on Twitter and forgotten to mention here - I was brave! I booked an appointment with the doctor to be like "So, I think I might be crazy and want to talk to someone about maybe having ADD!" And I was really prepared, I had my list of reasons why, and all the recommendations were "Take the symptoms list, annotate it, stick to your guns, be brave" -

I folded like a towel. Felt stupid the whole time, too stupid to get my list out, and when he listened to me babbling incoherently and went "No, I don't think you have that, it's really only for children," I just kinda went "Oh." He gave me the number for the local counselling services as this clearly mattered to me. "Oh. Thank you."

Then he asked how healthy I was feeling, did I exercise, how my periods were (?!), how about a blood test - because apparently, by looking at me, he reckons that I might have polycystic ovary syndrome. ... Wow.

So, yeah, that's two things that I need to remember to build up some emotional fortitude for and remember to do! Wooooooo. Maybe I will feel less like a failure next time I talk to a medical professional.
spindizzy: Finding something to live for is harder. (Gotta find something to live for)
  • This song helped me figure out the setting for the end of my big Seifer/Zell/Plot fic! :D And for most of it actually! (I needed somewhere with hotels. And I needed somewhere where I could finish it with a fight scene in a ballroom. DELING, BABY, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN. :D)

    I have ROUGHLY figured out how this fic is going to end. I have a detailed plan of what happens up to about halfway through and some scattered ideas from how to get from there to the ballroom blitz. Think that's enough to get this baby written?
  • See, I stopped watching Supernatural after series 1, and so far nothing I've seen/heard has convinced me that it wasn't better that way! I've seen a couple of episodes of the new series though (apparently "I don't like spoilers at all, please don't give me any considering I've managed to last from the end of series one until the start of series five without any spoilers!" translates to "Please watch these episodes in the same room as me. On my laptop. Loud enough that I can't ignore you."), and this episode... Minor spoilers! ) Seriously, the only reason I could see to watch it thus far is Castiel! And if I want to be kept up to date on Mischa Collins being awesome, that is what I have [livejournal.com profile] emerald_embers for! :D
  • TMI of the womanly variety! )


spindizzy: (Default)


Hi! I'm Susan, I write for [community profile] ladybusiness, and I'm currently trying to post at least 100 words of fic every day.

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