[Fic] The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System | Threat Levels
Thursday, 27 August 2020 08:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
spindizzyDo you ever finish a fic, and then look back at what you've written like "... I have no idea what I was doing but I'm pretty sure I was having fun?" Yeah, this is one of those.
The Scum Vilain's Self-Saving System | Threat Levels
T | 1503 words | Shàng Qīnghuá, Luò Bīnghé, Shěn Qīngqiū | Set post-canon, mostly implied spoilers | Shěn Qīngqiū has been asleep for three days. Shàng Qīnghuá has to get drastic.
The problem with Shàng Qīnghuá's OP son – okay, no, there were too many problems with Shàng Qīnghuá's OP son, but the particular problem that Shàng Qīnghuá was having to deal with right now was that he was unfilial! Disobedient! Did not listen to his transmigrated father (or his other father, actually), especially when what Shàng Qīnghuá was trying to say was variants of "I know Shěn Qīngqiū got caught in a poisoned dream three days ago because he can't stop chasing after weird monsters, but let's not be reckless!"
Luò Bīnghé didn't even acknowledge his existence, which was honestly how Shàng Qīnghuá usually preferred it, but! Someone had to be the voice of common sense in Huan Hua Palace and if it had to be a known traitor to every realm, so be it!
"The Lotus of Dream Eating isn't native to this area, so someone must have planted it there, which narrows it down! There aren't many demons with access to it! I made a list, they're being interrogated right now —"
Luo Binghe sat at the head of the bed, leaning over the body on it. Shěn Qīngqiū didn't turn his head as the bed shifted beneath him, just kept breathing evenly, eyes still closed. The fall of Luò Bīnghé's hair shielded his expression, but there was definitely a faint red glow limning Shěn Qīngqiū's placid face as he leaned down that Shàng Qīnghuá was! Not! Thinking about!
"— Because the person who would know best how to treat the poison is —" Shàng Qīnghuá gestured in a way that hopefully conveyed such an obsessive anti-fan that even a literal lifetime later he had a better memory of the worldbuilding than the author and your husband who's in a coma without saying anything that would make Luò Bīnghé actually kill him. " — And Mù Qīngfāng is on his way but as it's a demon plant he might not have an immediate answer but he will definitely help —"
Luò Bīnghé lifted one of Shěn Qīngqiū's limp arms so that Shěn Qīngqiū's hand pressed against his cheek. The way that Luò Bīnghé held his wrist looked like he might be taking Shěn Qīngqiū's pulse? Maybe? He used his other hand to brush Shěn Qīngqiū's hair from his face, then leaned over and pressed a kiss to Shěn Qīngqiū's forehead.
"This disciple will guard you again, Shizun," he said softly, and Shàng Qīnghuá snapped his mouth shut so fast that he nearly bit his own tongue. "Shizun will not be lost again while this disciple lives."
Keeping quiet was definitely the right plan! Definitely! Because Luò Bīnghé looked up to where Shàng Qīnghuá was quivering in the doorway, and his eyes were burning as red as his demon mark. A very cool effect! Very dramatic! Especially with the murderous aura that choked the air as soon as Luò Bīnghé stopped looking at his husband!
Once more, Shàng Qīnghuá regretted ever writing it into this world.
"I will consult Mèng Mó and see if anything can be accomplished from within Shizun's dreams. If he cannot be woken, I will protect him until he can."
"Understood, my lord," Shàng Qīnghuá croaked. A pincer approach! Luò Bīnghé and Shěn Qīngqiū working on the problem from one side, everyone else working on the problem from the other! Definitely a plan worthy of his son! Which he couldn't say, because he was pretty sure that assurances would also get him killed!
He didn't move even as Luò Bīnghé gently pulled Shěn Qīngqiū half-upright and into his arms, turning Shěn Qīngqiū's head to rest on his shoulder so that Luò Bīnghé could press his lips to his forehead again. Did the protagonist halo protect Luò Bīnghé when he slept in weird positions? Would it save him if – when – Shěn Qīngqiū woke up and found himself being cuddled?
The murderous aura seemed to bake off in pulses, retreating back into Luò Bīnghé's skin. His death grip around Shěn Qīngqiū's wrist seemed to relax, almost like his lord had really gone to sleep.
Shàng Qīnghuá waited five minutes, completely unmoving.
"My lord?"
No response.
Shàng Qīnghuá waited a few more minutes, just to be sure.
And then he whisper-wailed "CUCUMBER BRO, DON'T DO THIS TO ME!" and flung himself onto his knees at the foot of the bed. He even grabbed Cucumber-bro's ankle and shook it frantically. "You have to wake up, I tried to remember which plotline had the Lotus of Dream Eating in it and then I wasn't sure if it was the one where Níng Yīngyīng got pulled into another dream and Bing-ge had to go in after her and one of them nearly gets bodyjacked, or the one where there was a sexy demoness who was like the lure for a weird dream anglerfish and Bing-ge separated her from it so that she could be a wife, or the one where Shā Huálíng was aware of everything but couldn't move and had to have dream sex and real sex! Or maybe it was a different dream one that I forgot, there were a lot of them! Some of them couldn't be fixed with dream sex, help!"
Shěn Qīngqiū: ...
Shàng Qīnghuá shook Shěn Qīngqiū's ankle hard enough to make his foot flop. "You have to wake up! If you die again Bing-ge is either gonna go back to the creepy corpse hugging thing or try to end the world again! And no one else is gonna take that one for the team if it's ending the world, it has to be you!"
Shěn Qīngqiū: ...
Shàng Qīnghuá felt tears of frustration prickle at the corners of his eyes. He'd spent most of today being thrown through portals by his king and his son while trying to remember stuff he wrote in a previous life and research obscure demon plants and talk to people who probably couldn't help because it was probably a fuck or die plot! The least Cucumber-bro could do was wake up and tell him if it was or not!
Time for new tactics.
"If you don't wake up, I'm gonna write to Liu Su Mian Hua and her writer's circle and we're going to write crossover fic! And sequels!"
Maybe he was imagining it, but Shěn Qīngqiū's foot might have – twitched? And there might be the beginnings of a frown on Shěn Qīngqiū's face! Like whatever dream he'd been having was suddenly taking a turn he didn't like!
"You roasted me for the stuff in Proud Immortal Demon's Way but they have even kinkier ideas than I did! I'm gonna tell them about every weird porn thing I ever saw on the internet, and they're probably gonna come up with stuff that's even weirder! And we'll write about you doing all of it with people who aren't Bing-ge!"
Shěn Qīngqiū made a faint complaining noise and shifted his head against Luo Binghe's shoulder, fingers starting to curl against Luo Binghe's face. It was working! It was definitely working! He just needed to strike the final blow!
"I'll read it to you! Every day that you sleep, I'll read another installment to you! And you won't be able to criticise our terrible prose and OOCness, because you'll be asleep!" He slammed one fist down on the bedframe and yelled "And we'll let Luo Binghe hear all of it! You complained about the stuff that he was reading before? We'll write more! Lots more! All of the inspiration that he needs!"
"NO!"
Shàng Qīnghuá had never seen someone catapult scream before! Usually it was him doing that! But Shěn Qīngqiū's horrified shout echoed off the walls, and he jerked in Luò Bīnghé's arms hard enough that he kicked Shàng Qīnghuá in the face.
Shàng Qīnghuá was a professional at being kicked around, trained by An Ding Peak and the king of the Northern Desert, so he didn't hesitate before flinging himself back at the foot of the bed. "You're awake! And not dead! Quick, which wife plot was this, I couldn't remember!"
"I am going to kill you in your sleep!" Shěn Qīngqiū hissed.
"That's five different plotlines, I need to know which one in case we need to start collecting ingredients or if Bing-ge can just —"
Shěn Qīngqiū made a strangled noise of fury and flailed towards him with sleep-heavy limbs, until he seemed to realise that the reason he couldn't reach Shàng Qīnghuá to hit him was that Luò Bīnghé was clinging to him. Clinging to him and pulling him closer, a rumbling noise rising up from his chest. Shěn Qīngqiū's face was turning more and more red as the noise got deeper. It almost matched Bing-ge's eyes as they slowly opened.
"I'm going to tell everyone that you're awake due to my brilliant plans," said Shàng Qīnghuá, known coward, and left Shěn Qīngqiū to think it over. Just in case Luò Bīnghé heard any of those threats as well.
(It was an actual plot, not a wife plot, which meant that Shěn Qīngqiū blaming him for it was really unfair.)
The Scum Vilain's Self-Saving System | Threat Levels
T | 1503 words | Shàng Qīnghuá, Luò Bīnghé, Shěn Qīngqiū | Set post-canon, mostly implied spoilers | Shěn Qīngqiū has been asleep for three days. Shàng Qīnghuá has to get drastic.
The problem with Shàng Qīnghuá's OP son – okay, no, there were too many problems with Shàng Qīnghuá's OP son, but the particular problem that Shàng Qīnghuá was having to deal with right now was that he was unfilial! Disobedient! Did not listen to his transmigrated father (or his other father, actually), especially when what Shàng Qīnghuá was trying to say was variants of "I know Shěn Qīngqiū got caught in a poisoned dream three days ago because he can't stop chasing after weird monsters, but let's not be reckless!"
Luò Bīnghé didn't even acknowledge his existence, which was honestly how Shàng Qīnghuá usually preferred it, but! Someone had to be the voice of common sense in Huan Hua Palace and if it had to be a known traitor to every realm, so be it!
"The Lotus of Dream Eating isn't native to this area, so someone must have planted it there, which narrows it down! There aren't many demons with access to it! I made a list, they're being interrogated right now —"
Luo Binghe sat at the head of the bed, leaning over the body on it. Shěn Qīngqiū didn't turn his head as the bed shifted beneath him, just kept breathing evenly, eyes still closed. The fall of Luò Bīnghé's hair shielded his expression, but there was definitely a faint red glow limning Shěn Qīngqiū's placid face as he leaned down that Shàng Qīnghuá was! Not! Thinking about!
"— Because the person who would know best how to treat the poison is —" Shàng Qīnghuá gestured in a way that hopefully conveyed such an obsessive anti-fan that even a literal lifetime later he had a better memory of the worldbuilding than the author and your husband who's in a coma without saying anything that would make Luò Bīnghé actually kill him. " — And Mù Qīngfāng is on his way but as it's a demon plant he might not have an immediate answer but he will definitely help —"
Luò Bīnghé lifted one of Shěn Qīngqiū's limp arms so that Shěn Qīngqiū's hand pressed against his cheek. The way that Luò Bīnghé held his wrist looked like he might be taking Shěn Qīngqiū's pulse? Maybe? He used his other hand to brush Shěn Qīngqiū's hair from his face, then leaned over and pressed a kiss to Shěn Qīngqiū's forehead.
"This disciple will guard you again, Shizun," he said softly, and Shàng Qīnghuá snapped his mouth shut so fast that he nearly bit his own tongue. "Shizun will not be lost again while this disciple lives."
Keeping quiet was definitely the right plan! Definitely! Because Luò Bīnghé looked up to where Shàng Qīnghuá was quivering in the doorway, and his eyes were burning as red as his demon mark. A very cool effect! Very dramatic! Especially with the murderous aura that choked the air as soon as Luò Bīnghé stopped looking at his husband!
Once more, Shàng Qīnghuá regretted ever writing it into this world.
"I will consult Mèng Mó and see if anything can be accomplished from within Shizun's dreams. If he cannot be woken, I will protect him until he can."
"Understood, my lord," Shàng Qīnghuá croaked. A pincer approach! Luò Bīnghé and Shěn Qīngqiū working on the problem from one side, everyone else working on the problem from the other! Definitely a plan worthy of his son! Which he couldn't say, because he was pretty sure that assurances would also get him killed!
He didn't move even as Luò Bīnghé gently pulled Shěn Qīngqiū half-upright and into his arms, turning Shěn Qīngqiū's head to rest on his shoulder so that Luò Bīnghé could press his lips to his forehead again. Did the protagonist halo protect Luò Bīnghé when he slept in weird positions? Would it save him if – when – Shěn Qīngqiū woke up and found himself being cuddled?
The murderous aura seemed to bake off in pulses, retreating back into Luò Bīnghé's skin. His death grip around Shěn Qīngqiū's wrist seemed to relax, almost like his lord had really gone to sleep.
Shàng Qīnghuá waited five minutes, completely unmoving.
"My lord?"
No response.
Shàng Qīnghuá waited a few more minutes, just to be sure.
And then he whisper-wailed "CUCUMBER BRO, DON'T DO THIS TO ME!" and flung himself onto his knees at the foot of the bed. He even grabbed Cucumber-bro's ankle and shook it frantically. "You have to wake up, I tried to remember which plotline had the Lotus of Dream Eating in it and then I wasn't sure if it was the one where Níng Yīngyīng got pulled into another dream and Bing-ge had to go in after her and one of them nearly gets bodyjacked, or the one where there was a sexy demoness who was like the lure for a weird dream anglerfish and Bing-ge separated her from it so that she could be a wife, or the one where Shā Huálíng was aware of everything but couldn't move and had to have dream sex and real sex! Or maybe it was a different dream one that I forgot, there were a lot of them! Some of them couldn't be fixed with dream sex, help!"
Shěn Qīngqiū: ...
Shàng Qīnghuá shook Shěn Qīngqiū's ankle hard enough to make his foot flop. "You have to wake up! If you die again Bing-ge is either gonna go back to the creepy corpse hugging thing or try to end the world again! And no one else is gonna take that one for the team if it's ending the world, it has to be you!"
Shěn Qīngqiū: ...
Shàng Qīnghuá felt tears of frustration prickle at the corners of his eyes. He'd spent most of today being thrown through portals by his king and his son while trying to remember stuff he wrote in a previous life and research obscure demon plants and talk to people who probably couldn't help because it was probably a fuck or die plot! The least Cucumber-bro could do was wake up and tell him if it was or not!
Time for new tactics.
"If you don't wake up, I'm gonna write to Liu Su Mian Hua and her writer's circle and we're going to write crossover fic! And sequels!"
Maybe he was imagining it, but Shěn Qīngqiū's foot might have – twitched? And there might be the beginnings of a frown on Shěn Qīngqiū's face! Like whatever dream he'd been having was suddenly taking a turn he didn't like!
"You roasted me for the stuff in Proud Immortal Demon's Way but they have even kinkier ideas than I did! I'm gonna tell them about every weird porn thing I ever saw on the internet, and they're probably gonna come up with stuff that's even weirder! And we'll write about you doing all of it with people who aren't Bing-ge!"
Shěn Qīngqiū made a faint complaining noise and shifted his head against Luo Binghe's shoulder, fingers starting to curl against Luo Binghe's face. It was working! It was definitely working! He just needed to strike the final blow!
"I'll read it to you! Every day that you sleep, I'll read another installment to you! And you won't be able to criticise our terrible prose and OOCness, because you'll be asleep!" He slammed one fist down on the bedframe and yelled "And we'll let Luo Binghe hear all of it! You complained about the stuff that he was reading before? We'll write more! Lots more! All of the inspiration that he needs!"
"NO!"
Shàng Qīnghuá had never seen someone catapult scream before! Usually it was him doing that! But Shěn Qīngqiū's horrified shout echoed off the walls, and he jerked in Luò Bīnghé's arms hard enough that he kicked Shàng Qīnghuá in the face.
Shàng Qīnghuá was a professional at being kicked around, trained by An Ding Peak and the king of the Northern Desert, so he didn't hesitate before flinging himself back at the foot of the bed. "You're awake! And not dead! Quick, which wife plot was this, I couldn't remember!"
"I am going to kill you in your sleep!" Shěn Qīngqiū hissed.
"That's five different plotlines, I need to know which one in case we need to start collecting ingredients or if Bing-ge can just —"
Shěn Qīngqiū made a strangled noise of fury and flailed towards him with sleep-heavy limbs, until he seemed to realise that the reason he couldn't reach Shàng Qīnghuá to hit him was that Luò Bīnghé was clinging to him. Clinging to him and pulling him closer, a rumbling noise rising up from his chest. Shěn Qīngqiū's face was turning more and more red as the noise got deeper. It almost matched Bing-ge's eyes as they slowly opened.
"I'm going to tell everyone that you're awake due to my brilliant plans," said Shàng Qīnghuá, known coward, and left Shěn Qīngqiū to think it over. Just in case Luò Bīnghé heard any of those threats as well.
(It was an actual plot, not a wife plot, which meant that Shěn Qīngqiū blaming him for it was really unfair.)
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