Reaction Shot: Event Horizon (SOMEONE IS DEFINITELY GONNA EAT YOUR EYES)

[spindizzy]

HI EVERYONE! Sam and I are Back On Our Bullshit and watching Event Horizon, because that is the PERFECT follow-up to watching Doom: Annihilation! ... I am informed that Event Horizon doesn't actually take place in the same universe as Doom, which sounds fake but okay.

• I am liking the soundtrack, that's pretty great! And Sam has pointed out that you can TELL it's a Paul W.S. Anderson movie because listen to that music.


• Okay but how is "one spaceship goes down with all hands" the worst space disaster. I'm pretty sure that's a quite regular space disaster.


• This CGI is... Not great... Which is weird because the ship design is pretty cool!


• Sam Neill why are you naked and yelling at space.


• But dude, dude, you've already GOT a copy of that picture on your mantel piece! Stop it! That's redundant! Leave it on the other side of the room where you DON'T already have a copy?


• ... Who gave him a fucking straight razor to take TO SPACE?!


• SURPRISE LAURENCE FISHBURNE! He looks so YOUNG, which is weird because Sean Pertwee looks exactly the same.


• OH is this a flashback then?


• "Claustrophobic?"
  "Very."


• Why is his the only pod with a name tag?


• Sam Neill, you know no one's there, you can see that they're all in the tanks.


• I GOT JUMPSCARED BY A FUCKING BED!


• Me: I am uncomfortable with Sam Neill's nipples.
  Sam: Yeah, he's kind of avuncular. You don't want to see your uncle's nipples.


• Okay, apparently half of this crew is a sexual harrassment suit looking for a court room.


• Oh, I think I found the first person to die! She has a kid that she's looking forward to seeing, that's about as fatal as being the day before retirement!


• Why do all briefings take place after the mission starts instead of before? So it's too late for anyone to run?


• Oh, wait, I thought Sam Neill was on the Event Horizon when it vanished, what the fuck.


• This was the point where Sam had to explain that Sam Neill's accent is from New Zealand, because I didn't know and was just like "... Wait, I thought he was American."


• "Layman's terms," Laurence Fishburne says, because Sam Neill has probably not spoken to a layman in about twenty years.


• "The shortest distance is zero." ... *suspicious squint*


• "How do you know all this?"
  "I built it."
  "... I can see why they sent you."


• Why does every survival horror film have one (1) transmission that is just screaming. Is it a law.


• I'm pretty sure that that's not how you conjugate that latin, unless maybe it's the imperative?


• Laurence Fishburne's chair is suspended from the ceiling! That's cool, that seems more practical than the alternatives.


• Their ship is so small!


• Wait, I thought that Cooper was the rescue specialist, why is he not on this mission? Why are they letting their "can keep the ship running" crew onto this away mission? ... I just realised, this is one of the few survival horror films I've seen where the team investigating aren't marines or some other form of military.


• EVERYTHING IS FLOATING, in varying degrees of decent CGI.


• "This place is a tomb." *GLOVE TO THE FACE*


• Why do they even HAVE a strobing meat drill room?!


• She notices the small splodge of blood but not the GIANT OOZING SLABS OF GROSSNESS ON THE WALL?!


• The water effects are cool though, I will 100% give them that.


• They have CD DRIVES, this future is SO OLD.


• CORPSE!


• "Explosive decompression doesn't do that," says Jason Isaacs in the tone of someone who knows from experience.


• "Corpsicle."


• Okay, I don't think Starck ACTUALLY looks like Laura Dern, she's just blonde and standing next to Sam Neill.


• OH MY FUCKING GOD JUSTIN RULE ONE OF SCIENCE IS "DON'T TOUCH A SUBSTANCE IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS."


• WHY ARE YOU PUTTING YOUR ARM IN THERE JUSTIN YOU UTTER FUCKING FOOL


• WELP, that's not good. I would go so far as to say as that's a FUCKING DISASTEROUS THING TO DO.


• Why did we fill all of our computer panels with explosives!!!!!!


• Okay, Smith does actually know things and prioritise keeping the ship intact, I GUESS I don't hate him.


• "It beats dying."
  Sam: Does it though?
  Me: I mean, if you don't know what genre you're in...?


• Welp, that frozen corpse has shattered. Oops.


• Why do people respond with "It's gonna take time" with "No." You having a time limit doesn't change the fact that SOME THINGS STILL TAKE TIME.


• "Don't start with any of that physics shit" is a fucking mood.


• "Mr Cooper says he saw something. I believe he saw something." THANK YOU!


• "He's delusional. If you don't mind my saying." ... SIR.


• Sam Neill is SO HAPPY about his black hole egg baby.


• That shot of his eyes though, that's fascinating.


• Oh no, I do not like this "hearing a noise while you're alone in a room" thing. That's not good. That is realistic horror and I Do Not Like That.


• I WAS SO WORRIED WHEN I SAW A HAND PICKING UP A SAW, but it's fine! It's her! She took the saw!


• OH NO. OH THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.


• Ah, THAT'S what my survival horror ideas has been missing: a time limit. Every survival horror thing has a deadline so you know why they don't just fuck off and try again another day!


• That broken wall panel in the medbay is concerning.


• WHY ARE YOUR AIR DUCTS FULL OF GREEN GLOWING GLASS?!


• WHY ARE YOU BEING HAUNTED BY A LADY WITH NO EYES.


• Sam has explained reverse dolly zooms to me because they look REALLY COOL and there's an actual name for them!


• WHY IS THE MAGNET SURROUNDED BY WATER THAT'S ON FIRE.


• Holy shit, DJ pinning Smith with a scalpel to his throat is sure a thing that I'm here for.


• "Don't you have anything useful to tell me?" he asks, after hearing the most plausible explanation for the plot handed to him.


• "No. What I want, lieutenant, is to survive the next ten hours." I GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.


• That ominous banging is suitably terrifying, even more so when it STOPS.


• The scene of her running the fuck away is very well done and also fuuuuuuck.


• Starck putting Sam Neill in an arm lock is a big mood.


• I wasn't sure whether or not the Baby Bear thing was, y'know, part of The Homoromantics of Dying In Space Hell, but if he's calling her Mama Bear then it might just have been a thing that this crew did?


• (I can't remember what Miller called Smith that had me squinting at the screen like "Do I want to put the slash goggles on?" but I'm sure there was something.)


• But yes, this whole thing is really unnerving, and it's honestly WORSE for the fact that he wakes up after it's too late for him to do anything. Like, that was HORRIFYING. Good work that film team, and good work Captain Miller on getting the dude back into the ship?


• Sam Neill technobabbling to cover up the bullshit he's unleashed: good work.


• The "You ever seen fire in zero gravity?" speech is weirdly beautiful and horrifying.


• I am 90% that's not what the latin says, but "Save yourself from hell" is appropriately spooky.


• "Whoever sent that message, he sure believed in hell."


• ... Was that a murder orgy? Because seriously that looked like a murder orgy. ... And Sam says apparently in the original cut the murder orgy was MORE violent and MORE gory and MORE full of boning, and ngl: ew.


• Me: ... Where did the bodies go?!
  Sam: To hell.
  Me: ... But everything else came back.
  Sam: They went to hell.
  Me: Except for that one frozen guy. He was too cool for hell.


• "Fuck this ship!" THANK YOU, sir! CAN WE PLEASE LEAVE NOW.


• "You can't leave. She won't let you." ... Well I guess that answers that question.


• "I am home." Oh that's ominous.


• PETERS DON'T DO THAT, YOU NEED THE SCRUBBERS TO MAKE IT OUT ALIVE! JUST FOLLOW SMITH! TAKE THE SCRUBBERS AND FOLLOW SMITH!


• I just think the shots of the eyes when the ship is getting into people's heads is really cool.


• PETERS YOU'RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE, YOU KNOW YOUR SON CAN'T BE IN SPACE.


• PETERS NO, THAT IS NOT A GOOD WAY TO GO! Like, it was less horrific than I was expecting, because I've spent this entire movie convinced those are Chekov's Spikes and someone's going to be impaled, but "disregarded the LACK OF FLOOR because the hallucination of my child is smiling like a demon" is horrible.


• Sam Neill reacting to Peters being dead like a normal person and I'm just here like "You can't die in here, this is the hell room!"


• Her eyes are completely black, that's not good.


• The way the areas of the room change around is really cool, but I thoroughly dislike Dr Weir and the way he's talking to her.


• Mate, did you seriously just make your wife's suicide all about you?


• ... As a person who has read some CLAMP manga before, I am prepared for this: IT'S ALL GOOD FUN AND THEN SOMEONE LOSES THEIR EYES.


• SMITH GET OFF THE GODDAMNED SHIP, BEFORE IT EXPLODES.


• I love that Smith's response was entirely "No, he can't, I just fixed it!"


• Smith: *disobeys direct orders to get off the ship in favour of turning the room upside-down and looking for the bomb*
  Smith: *finds bomb*
  Bomb: 6. 5. 4.
  Smith: Oh fuck.


• I think the ship looks most obviously like a model there when it's blowing up.


• Cooper: *blasts off into space*
  Cooper: HERE I COME MOTHERFUCKERS!


• "Don't worry about Weir, I'll take care of him." *instantly gets thrown around like a ragdoll*


• That is a HUGE scar, DJ, what HAPPENED?! It looks like you either had a transplant or someone got to work on the autopsy early.


• ... Oh I see why Laurence Fishburne was a natural for Hannibal now, because what the fuck. Like. Full-on Hannibal level bullshit there.


• Did Starck get murdered off-screen? Really? Oh no, wait, she's fine, that was just a head injury.


• "Where we're going, we won't need eyes to see." NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.


• ... So the ship is in fact sentient and full of hatred. Cool. Starck was right.


• "What makes you think I'll miss?" asks man with no eyes.


• WELP Cooper was not gonna have a good day there.


• Miller: *has intense issues about leaving his crew behind*
  Miller: *is almost definitely going to leave himself behind to complete his character arc*


• (I'll be honest, I'm not sure I feel like there was enough of that arc, really? But that could be because I compare all arcs like that to the protagonist in Pitch Black, who visibly struggles with not leaving everyone to die.)


• "YO DON'T HIT ME!" yells Cooper, probably the last of the well-adjusted humans on this ship.


• ... Why are the walls bleeding.


• Oh hey, I remember this bit of The Shining.


• ... I was so sure that someone was going to get spiked! SO SURE!


• ... Wait, is the hell ship having the hallucinations throw REAL FIRE?! That's cheating!


• His eyes grew back! That's nice!


• ... Wait, where IS Justin right now? He got put into a box earlier, but I don't remember if anyone mentioned what happened to him beyond DJ needing to pack him for the return trip.


• "You are all coming with me!"
  Me: No, Sam Neill, it is you who is coming with us.


• That is a really cool effect! Look at the flare across space! That's so pretty!


• WAIT I THOUGHT THE EXPLOSIONS WERE GOING TO TAKE OUT THE GRAVITY DRIVE TOO.


• ... Did Laurence Fishburne just get dragged to hell?! D: D: D: D:


• I'm sure there are no negative repercussions to Starck, who never saw Sam Neill with the eyes and that scar pattern, having a nightmare about him showing up to haunt her. That's TOTALLY FINE.

... But yes, my take-home points are that Doom: Annihilation is basically this but with a female lead and swapping Sumerian for Latin and Mars for Neptune. And I am okay with that!

Comments

[scarimonious]

I watched Doom: Annihilation last night and will argue that it wanted to be a different Paul WS Anderson movie - Resident Evil. Resident Evil IN SPAAAAACE.