spindizzy | Reaction Shot: Resident Evil: Afterlife (Or, the bad one with the tentacles) (Reply)

Sam and I are finishing off our Resident Evil movie marathon at long last! We're watching the last half of the series, and I'm excited because RE4 is terrible, RE5 is my favourite, and I have very few memories of RE6 except that the plot makes no sense, there's a helluva Gilligan cut, and also Ruby Rose. So half of this is going to be me going "Sam, Sam, stop tweeting and watch this bit!" and the other half is going to be whispering "I have no memory of this place!"

As ever, Sam's livetweet is here, and mine is here!

Me: *stares in genuine bafflement at this intro because I thought it was the intro to RE5, even though I REMEMBERED RE5's intro*

I do actually kinda like this intro, because it's cool, but also it makes NO SENSE at this point in time where you don't have the context fromRE5 and the world is ALREADY SUPOSSED TO BE DEPOPULATED. What. Explain.

Sam: I have no idea what is going here.
Me: Clearly in the other movies the zombie attacks didn't start soon enough.

Me: Zombies turn out the lights.
Sam: Of course they did, they're very concientuous like that.

Bless you nineties voice overs.

So this is four years after... Extinction? Or Resident Evil? Clarification needed.

YOU TOOK YOUR EARPIECE OUT, HOW IS TOSHI SUPPOSED TO ANSWER YOU.

And again, you can track time passsing by the improvement of the wireframes!

... Seriously, thirty minutes is a long time to lose contact with your teams during an apocalypse.

Sam: The guy playing Wesker is going for the constipated style of evil.

Sam is dying because the initial action scene is Not Good, but also he spotted INSTANTLY that this movie was released in 3D so I guess that's obvious.

SUPERPOWERS ACTIVATE! ... Apparently Sam forgot about this.

She walks like a baby faun, it's very delicate and impressive. BUT ALSO ALICE GET SOME WEAPONS.

WELL, SHE'S DEAD, FRANCHISE OVER.

THE EFFECT OF THE ALICES NEXT TO EACH OTHER ARE SO BAD.

I want to know how the Alices managed to get SO MANY LEATHER CATSUITS. ALSO HAIRDYE.

Apparently death engages breaks when you're dropping down a lift shaft.

Alices: *SWARM THE FACILITY LIKE A ZOMBIE ATTACK*

Intruder alert: *shows up fifteen minutes late with Starbucks*

Wesker: *gives NOT A SINGLE FUCK about the explosion that happened right next to his face*

Apparently the cute Russian guy with all the swagger from RE2 is now following splend on twitter and I AM DYING.

"Turbulence," REALLY PLANE. REALLY.

Sam: ... So you basically dropped a black hole on it.

Alice: What have you done to me?
Sam: Made you into a believable protagonist.

THAT'S NOT HOW PRODUCT RECALLS WORK WESKER.

WHY DID YOU NOT ENGAGE THE AUTOPILOT BEFORE YOU DID YOUR VILLAIN MONOLOGUE?!

HOW DID SHE WALK OUT OF THAT ALIVE IF HER SUPERPOWERS TURNED OFF. HOW.

Six months later, so... I am very confused by the timeline, okay.

Friend Alice, how on earth did you make it to ALASKA from SHIBUYA. EXPLAIN. EXPLAIN.

Many planes? Maybe? A boat? Something including that fancy russian jacket? But also she has amazing make-up and FULL BATTERY ON HER CAMERA, she is clearly a scavenger extrodinaire.

Also friends, that is SO MANY PLANES. SO MANY.

Heeeeeeeeeeey I remember that chopper! That's surely not significant in any way, right?! ... And just in case I wasn't sure or paying attention to the voice over at the start, FLASHBACK! (Seriously, isn't landing a helicopter on a beach bad for you?

I think part of what's killing Sam is that this film is taking itself very seriously, which is... Not what we're here for..

HI CLAIRE. HOW IS BEING THE DESIGNATED PERSON WITH AMNESIA FOR THIS MOVIE.

Okay, this is eighteen months after Extinction. Right. WHAT IS THIS TIMELINE.

I don't know enough about American georgraphy to know about the route and if it makes sense that they make it to Hollywood.

... Alice, did you scrub Claire up before you loaded her into your plane?

"You'll get used to it," says the person who has had amnesia like four seperate times.

There are no zombies or survivors in LA! Oh, no, wait, there are both and apparently the smell of half a dozen survivors has attracted EVERY SINGLE ZOMBIE IN THE CITY.

Luther is the one sensible human being on the roof.

Alice/Claire is my RE4 ship because they can be crazy badasses together.

I love the army dude, he is the other competent adult in this building.

Alice tries so hard to be a person, bless her. I love her trying to be nice.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT A BASKETBALL FAN YOU'VE HAD AMNESIA THREE TIMES.

It must be so weird so see a MASSIVE PHOTO OF YOUR FACE every morning.

Which one of them has the bug in them? I'm assuming Claire!

I'M SURE THAT THE ZOMBIE DIGGING ITS WAY INTO THE FOUNDATIONS WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM FOR ANYONE.

Bless Crystal, she seems very sweet and she is not going to live. Also I like that Luther is still a very nice, sweet man even though the apocalypse is happening.

... Literally my dude, you're living in a prison that you can't escape from, she is right on the "time to waste" thing.

I'm glad that the guards let the prisoners out instead of leaving them to starve.

"I keep hearing movement in the walls," BUT I'M SURE IT'S NOTHING. ... I'm glad they checked though.

IT'S A DUDE IN A BOX!

WHY WAS THE MILITARY USING A PRISON AS A STAGING POST.

... OHHHHHHH I see, they let people go to be a militia/cannon fodder, because why not.

Get you a man who looks at you the way Luther looks at Alice and her weapons collection.

Me: Seriously why did they have a clear prison box, what's that about.
Sam: Because if you have Wentworth Miller, you want to be able to look at him.

I'M SURE THAT THE THING DIGGING UP THROUGH THE TILES IS NOT A PROBLEM. NOT EVEN ONE.

Sam: ... Cenobite Pyramid Head, is that you?!

LOOK, THEY HAVE RUNNING WATER! ... What the fuck is with these showers, though, this seems... Kinda skeevy. I guess they don't want people to have privacy in a prison.

Okay, I actually kinda like Alice's outfit.

FUCK OFF CREEPY WHITE DUDE, YOU DESERVED TO BE EATEN FIRST.

I like how they've given up explaining why the zombies have weird, it's just "Yep, that zombie is probably mutated." "But —" "MUTATED."

SIBLINGS! As always, I want hella sibling antics and I am not getting them.

Sam: I'm Wentworth Miller and I'll be your Riddick for this movie.

"Ten tons of fun" is the sort of description I'd use for an item like that in a game. And this is why no one lets me have armoured cars in RPGs anymore.

HOW IS IT TAKING FOUR HEADSHOTS AND NOT EVEN BLINKING. OKAY I KNOW IT'S NOT BLINKING BECAUSE WE CAN'T SEE ITS EYES, BUT WHAT.

Sam: Man, you know it's bad when you're watching a movie thinking "I'd rather be watching Alien Resurrection."

... Seriously how did they not all drown down there.

WHY IS THE CGI SO MUCH WORSE IN THIS MOVIE.

GUN SANTA CAME FOR ALICE THIS TIME INSTEAD OF ALICE HAVING TO BE GUN SANTA FOR EVERYONE ELSE.

BENNETT WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SHOOT ANGEL, HE WAS THE ONLY OTHER COMPETENT TEAM MEMBER.

Sam as Bennett; "I just remembered I don't know how to fly a plaaaaaaaaane!"

The plane moving a path through the zombies got the first intentional laugh from Sam.

HOW DID THEY SURVIVE THAT DROP, AND HOW DID CHRIS KNOW THAT ALICE WAS GONNA DO THAT.

THE CGI IS SO BAD HERE, HOW IS IT WORSE THAN THE FIRST ONES ALL TOGETHER.

Sam is seriously just yelling "BUT YOU DON'T HAVE SUPER POWERS ANYMORE" at the tv.

Is Luther's super power just jumping really high? ... I mean, he's a basketball player, it makes sense, but they are going IN on that.

... SERIOUSLY they were really trying to get as much use of the slow-mo and 3D as they could, weren't they?!

Alice and Claire bonding over "That thing straight up nearly killed us."

See, the way the blood going down the drain is shot, I think I'm supposed to take "The water is HELLA TAINTED NOW" but I don't think that ever comes up again so WHO KNOWS.

I wonder if Alice is claustrophobic from all the time she had to spend in tanks.

Luther was REALLY BRAVE waiting for them in the dark tunnel full of zombies. I don't know how he didn't hear the fight, but wtf.

LUTHER NO.

Sam: No. No, I don't think he's dead.

He refuses to believe that Luther, a guy with personality and actual lines, gets taken out off screen.

Sure is a bad look that none of your minorities make it to the boss fight, Resident Evil!

Booooooo why did Bennett make it. He doesn't deserve it.

GHOST SHIP! Ghost ships are my favourite spooky thing, to be honest.

OH MY GOD IN A WORLD WHERE UMBRELLA MANUFACTURES LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING, A THING HAS AN UMBRELLA LOGO ON IT!

Sam, as a film maker, is somewhat confused by the way the "It's a trap!" was put together. It's a very slow-moving trap... That is an empty room...

Alice, as a person who has been in some tanks in her time: Oh I know what's going on here.

Surely every tile should be a tube if they're being stored under the floor and you can selectively open them. Surely.

I hope that isn't Chris' blood.

.... HOW DID THEY NOT NOTICE THIS WHEN THEY FIRST WALKED INTO THIS PURE WHITE ROOM. OR IF IT HAPPENED AFTER THE TUBES CAME UP: WHILE IT WAS HAPPENING.