splend has never seen any of the Resident Evil movies past the first one, and because I am the GREATEST SISTER IN LAW of all time, I obviously brought all of them round to inflict on him. We're probably watching the first three today and the next three another day, and sadly scarimonious can't come and yell about them, but she's with us in
spirit twitter and tim-tams! THIS IS FOR YOU.
My initial tweetstorm is here! splend's is here!
My initial tweetstorm is here! splend's is here!
- Narrator: Unknown even to their own employees, their profits are generated by –
Me: They are committing SO much fraud.
Sam: Release your tax returns!
- Sam: Oh no, it's green! That's how you know it's science!
- I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE THREW THE TUBE THOUGH. ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WASN'T OUT YET.
- Radiation badges?!
- I kinda thought that coffee dude was going to be vaguely important to the story the first time I watched it, but nope! But I like how obvious it is that he has a tiny crush on that nice lady who actually knows what she's doing.
- I guess I was bait-and-switched by the other lady here, who IS important.
- Those fire extinguishers are the WORST.
- OH, THAT'S how the poisonous gas got out of a sealed room! He chipped the window! ... But the Red Queen was already killing them?! And it looked like the gas was entering the air vents?!
- Sam: In case of emergency, kill everyone in the building.
- I feel so sorry for brave lady, she was good. RIP.
- Me: She seemed like she knew what she was doing!
Sam: Well, it's a good job that we moved to someone who doesn't have a clue what she's doing!
- Again, was Milla Jovovich contractually obliged to be naked and/or in a box for every movie.
(According to Sam: yes!)
- The first time I watched this (when I was like twelve?) I didn't understand why she wrote it, but now I'm just like "Ohhhhhhh okay!"
- I am kinda impressed that this film is okay with so much silence! Like, there are whole minutes in a row where no one talks OR FIGHTS, and that's really weird for an action movie.
- Why is that statue covered in ominous plastic? Why is there creepy ghost wind?
- Matt, bless your heart, trying to get Alice out of there.
- I am so impressed that that One straight up LIFTS HER by the arms.
- MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ, YES. YOU BEAUTIFUL MURDER BEAN.
- The recurring theme of "we have a time limit before EVERYTHING AROUND US EXPLODES."
- I like JD and Rain's friendship, because they're angry messy friends.
- WHY DID THEY LEAVE THE GAS MASKS BEHIND WHEN THEY'RE ENTERING A BIOHAZARD AREA COME ON GUYS.
- Milla Jovovich has a really good "I want to speak to the manager," voice.
- HOW DID THEY EVEN BUILD THE HIVE?!
- Sam is right, this amnesia subplot is strange.
- *Rain voice* YOU OPENED THE DOORS. YOU LET THEM OUT.
- It must be very strange to have someone tell you that you're fake married when your only current memories of him are "This guy has a good dick."
- Red dress and leather jacket is a GOOD LOOK.
- Matt: *stares ominously at the air vents*
- Hey look, Rain has basic empathy!
- I actually really like the computer UI and map footage in this movie, I think it works! And I have used enough shop maps that it seems reasonable!
- Sam: I see they've entered the dry ice storage room.
- That jacket should be much bigger on Milla Jovovich than it actually is.
- I'm sad this team die, they're a good team.
- Lights: *come on*
Kaplan: Nothing to worry about.
Me: You LIAR.
- JUST GO INTO THE ROOM, DON'T WAIT FOR THEM, JUST GO INTO THE ROOM WHERE IT'S SAFE.
- There was like TWO WHOLE OTHER DUDES IN THERE that I had just NO MEMORY OF. Godspeed, disposable mooks 1 and 2, you were not noticed or missed.
- ONE DESERVED BETTER. SO DID MEDIC.
- The CGI actually still holds up! That's not bad!
- Oh bless Milla Jovovich's face. Alice was so innocent back then.
- Spence: Deja vu anyone?
Me: He's being a dick, but he's not WRONG.
- "You're all going to die down here."
- I'M SURE THERE ARE NO PROBLEMS WITH THE LOSS OF PRIMARY POWER. I'M SURE THAT'LL BE FINE.
- Rain is actually vaguely professional and kind when she wants to be! I love her!
- "She bit me, man!"
- They are gonna regret using all that ammo in like two minutes.
- "We're not going anywhere until the rest of the team get here."
- THE ZOMBIES ARE HERE! Sam is livetweeting and throwing so much shade here about how long it takes the zombies to show up in this movie.
- ... Of course Matt drops the keys down a grate while a flaming zombie tries to eat him. Of course.
- Spence just casually standing there watching the zombies approach because there's LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE HE CAN DO.
- Okay, the licker getting out of its box didn't hold up.
- Man, they had to physically drag Rain out of the room.
- "When you cut the power you unlocked the doors. YOU let them out." THERE we go!
- Me: I'm sure it's fine that the dog cages are empty.
Tonks: WHO LETS THE DOGS OUT!
Everyone: WHO WHO WHO WHO!
- Alice looks SO CONFUSED by her own ability to kick ass.
- Sam: *Neo voice* I know kung-fu.
- Sam is so happy about the zombie-dog kick.
- Look, Alice probably emotes more in this movie than she does in the rest of the series combined and I love her.
- Matt is DEFINITELY NOT UP TO ANYTHING, you can tell from how he instantly ran away to find Lisa's desk.
- Lisa, you don't look so good.
- This just reminds me of the network in Until Death Do Us Part, where you have civilians working together to take down criminals.
- Okay, so they're doing genetic and viral research. ... I have no idea why they're doing that UNDER A CITY. THAT IS THE WORST FUCKING PLAN.
- ... Wait, did they say that the team's bodies were gone?! Where are they?!
- So the virus WAS airborne but now isn't? Okay, sure.
- ... Does an AI even HAVE a sense of self-preservation?
- Alice: *holds off like ten zombies alone while it takes all of the others to hold off ten*
- Rain: *baits zombies with her own blood*
- Sam, a film-maker, complaining about the editing of the action scenes is very entertaining.
- Kaplan: *YELLS AT EVERYONE TO GO*
Sam: Seriously guys, he can't do it if you're all watching.
- We're now at the rarest stage of action movies, the one where the viewer is following an even number of men and women.
- Rain: When I get outta here, I'm gonna get laid.
Spence: Yeah. Might wanna clean up a bit first.
- Rain: I was beginning to worry!
- I'm sorry, I was having a flashback."
- WHY SO MANY BONER FLASHBACKS.
- WHY DID HE SMASH IT WHEN HE WAS STILL IN THE FUCKING ROOM
- Okay, after the flashback was the first time that SPENCE got named, but Alice still hasn't been.
- They're all standing there in infection water! What the fuck!
- "Wouldn't wanna shoot ya. Might need the bullets."
- "You really believe that people like him can change anything?" HI, FROM THE FUTURE HELLSCAPE OF 2018: FUCK YOU SPENCE.
- Matt: I can't believe he's gonna get away with this!
The Red Queen: No
- Sam: Well, he's KINDA [taken down the Umbrella Corporation].
Me: Oh my sweet summer child.
- ALICE AND RAIN ARE THE BEST. Can you imagine though if she HAD beheaded Rain and then Kaplan fried the Red Queen?!
- Rain doesn't want to walk around without a soul! ;________;
- Oh good, they did treat Kaplan too! They did!
- Poor Alice, why does everyone designate her as their second?
- The best thing about the Resident Evil franchise is that you can ship Alice with LITERALLY ANYONE and it's dubiously canon!
- Matt: *uses a zombie to push the button that will murder the licker*
- Alice's survivor guilt is SO BAD.
- Those people are not wearing enough body armour to go into the Hive.
- DON'T RE-OPEN THE HIVE! JUST QUESTION THE PEOPLE WHO WERE ACTUALLY THERE AND KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! STOP DRUGGING EVERYONE INTO UNCONCIOUSNESS AND DOING EVIL SCIENCE! JUST DO THE GODDAMN WORK!
- And thus the eyes and Alice escaping a pure white room, which will be motifs that come up repeatedly.
- I don't know how Alice manages to short out a card reader with an IV needle covered in her own blood, but more power to her.
- Hello? Where is everyone?!
- My dudes, how did they have enough time to print newspapers about this when everything apparently went to shit REALLY FAST? ... I mean, I guess there had to be enough time for Jill to find out about this AND get fired?
- Okay, Alice officially NEVER GETS NAMED ON SCREEN. WTFFFFFFF.
- It did take scarimonious pointing it out for me to go "Ohhhhhhh Alice in Wonderland!" because I didn't notice before beyond "Oh, she is named Alice and the Red Queen is the Red Queen." Kaplan is the White Rabbit!