HELLO MY DARLINGS, MY NEXT LIFE AS A VILLAINESS HAS RETURNED TO ME
AND I AM OVERJOYED, BECAUSE CATARINA CONTINUES TO BE THE MOST USELESS
QUEER TO EVER GRACE MY SCREEN.
- She keeps her journal of plot notes under lock and key!
OKAY, that genuinely solves at least one of my concerns from the
previous series. THANK YOU FOR BASIC INFORMATION SECURITY CATARINA, I
APPRECIATE YOU.
Catarina being grateful she's still alive because it means she
can read the latest installment of the Devilish Count series: ON
BRAND. FLAWLESS. Especially because Anne's just there like
"................................" in the background.
The Catarina Concord has changed venue! Look at these adorable
nerds taking the summer off for the first time in like eight years!
♥ Also omg Fearless Catarina playing on a gameboy like she's
old school, that's too cute.
Hello recap! Look at all of these PRECIOUS FUCKING DORKS and how
oblivious they all are to how much people adore her! And how confused
they are that no one has fallen in love with Maria despite how
wonderful she is!
Oh hey, school festival episode! I guess we didn't get one of
those last series so we're about due.
Bold of Geordo to invite Catarina to make herself at home like
she doesn't do that literally everywhere she goes. (Does Lady Claes
still despair over this? LET'S FIND OUT.)
Pffffffffffffffffffft Keith, omg. I mean, he is ABSOLUTELY
correct that Geordo can't be trusted and Catarina needs a chaperone,
but HIS FACE! He's almost literally the politest >( emoji imaginable!
... And Catarina doesn't even notice because she has snacks. I love
this useless queer and her uncomplicated world full of friendship. She
is beautifully precious and I adore her.
Booooooooooooooooo to the classist nonsense that says Catarina
can't sell her vegetables! THEY'RE GOOD VEGETABLES BRENT! ... Omg
imagine Lady Claes' face if Catarina tried to gift vegetables to
people. She'd die. And then come back to haunt her.
... What am I talking about, Catarina DEFINITELY does that for
all of her friends and servants.
Vegetable sweets? Really? I guess I'm gonna have to look up
vegetable biscuit recipes then. Also respect to Maria, because that's
at LEAST four crates of vegetables there, which is a lot of
sweets!
Unrelated but MARIA IS TOO CUTE. I know the whole point of this
series is that EVERYONE is too cute and I love them all, but MARIA'S
PRECIOUS FACE!
OMG I forgot that Catarina just gazes intently into Maria's eyes
while clasping her hands and steadfastly believing in her. How. This
is catnip, how could I possibly forget this.
I was gonna be like "That's a LOT of work you've volunteered
Maria for there," but honestly worth it for the opportunity to channel
her villainy into making Geordo bend to her will.
Geordo: doesn't exactly SAY that this school is full of snobs
and arseholes, BUT
Catarina: :D :D :D
Geordo: ... It's better than selling the vegetables.
At the point where people just assume you're part of school
council projects despite you not being on the school council, you
officially spend too much time in their office. I'm just saying.
(I was SO WORRIED that this was going to turn into one of those
episodes where someone accidentally triple books themselves and I was
going to cringe out of my skin, but no! We're cool!)
Also ALAN IS SO TALL compared to Mary and Sophia. lies on floor
has many feelings about this
It's probably good that Catarina wants a backstage roll in the
play, or Mary would straight up duel every other character to play the
corresponding romantic lead.
Hang on, did Catarina recruit Geordo, Alan, and Nicol to hand out
flyers for Maria's sweets? That has GOT to be cheating! You can't get
three guys with people-magnet powers all working on one task!
Lady Claes is going to hear about the vegetables and LOSE HER
RAG. AGAIN. Especially when she hears that Catarina was behaving in an
undignified manner because she was worried that her mother would catch
her behaving in an undignified manner.
Ugggggggggggggggggh fucking RICH PEOPLE and their fucking RICH
PEOPLE FESTIVALS! I'm with Catarina, WHERE IS THE JUNK FOOD.
CATARINA HAS FRIENDS WHO ARE NOT IN THE HAREM! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!
I mean, this is obvious, because she's a sweetheart, but also I'm
delighted by even unnamed chracters being ready to wave food in front
of her to cheer her up.
Every single one of her friends being like "You were late because
you were distracted by food, weren't you!"
I genuinely have no idea how Geordo's going to actually survive
the wedding, because I'm pretty sure that Catarina is going to be
there at the altar going "This is a joke, right? You're going to call
your real fiancée in now, right?" SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ROMANTIC LOVE
AS A THING THAT CAN APPLY TO HER, DESPITE LIKE EIGHT PEOPLE TELLING
HER THAT THEY'RE IN LOVE WITH HER ON THE SAME DAY. SHE 100% IS NOT
GOING TO GET THIS AT THE WEDDING EITHER.
Catarina's friends: declare their unending rivalry for Catarina's hand
Catarina: MY FRIENDS ARE IN LOVE AND I WILL SUPPORT THESE RELATIONSHIPS!
Catarina's friends: ... How did you get to that conclusion?
EVERYONE IS MAKING PLANS FOR THEIR POST-SCHOOL LIFE BASED ON WHAT
LETS THEM STAY CLOSE TO CATARINA, ARE YOU KIDDING ME
CATARINA IS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED BY THE IDEA THAT SHE WON'T BE
ABLE TO SEE MARIA AFTER SHE GETS MARRIED, OH MY GOD THESE BEAUTIFUL
USELESS LESBIANS.
Everyone has swapped rivals! Okay, maybe I'm being unfair,
because all the world is Mary's rival, but also: MARY IS NOT USUALLY
KEITH'S OPPONENT! THAT'S NORMALLY GEORDO'S JOB! BUT GEORDO'S NOW
GRUMPING AT ALAN INSTEAD!
Keith: YOU CANNOT HAND-FEED MY SISTER, THAT'S WEIRD.
Also Keith: ... But her hand-feeding ME is fine, why are you upset
about this.
The high level doom aura and then RADIANT SMILE Mary has going on
when she's about to go off on Keith is beautiful and I appreciate
it.
NO BUT SERIOUSLY, KEITH SAYS OUT LOUD WITH HIS FACE THAT GEORDO
IS MAKING PASSES AT HER. KEITH AND MARY GET INTO A YELLING MATCH ABOUT
HOW MUCH CONTACT THEY'RE ALLOWED TO HAVE WITH CATARINA. AND CATARINA
IS JUST THERE GOING "AH YES, SANDWICHES."
"Is there someone else trying to seduce her?" LITERALLY HALF OF
THE PEOPLE IN THE SCHOOL.
I love her, she is my favourite, I just intensely admire how
oblivious she is to what is actually being said and how
convinced she is that her "women's intuition" is actually
working.
Nicol looks so genuinely disappointed that Catarina's not in the
play! SHE'S NOT IN THE SCHOOL COUNCIL, SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE
PLAY!
Omg they literally provided the moodboard for Nicol, just as I
was thinking that would be a very easy joke meme to do.
Sophia. Why are you so determined to hook your brother up with
Catarina. I'm not saying don't! I'm just confused as to why you want
your brother and your crush to hook up!
Sophia: Oh, but when he's with you, he manages to smile!
The entire room: is full of people literally knocked out by Nicol's
non-Catarina induced smile
That cracked little "Yes!" right when they get started! Catarina
already freaking out when Nicol just touches her face! THE INTERNAL
SCREAMING!
WE DON'T GET TO SEE WHAT NICOL'S FACE WAS DOING DURING THAT
CONFESSION AND I KINDA LOVE THAT FOR ALL OF US. SOPHIA'S FACE MAKES UP
FOR IT.
I think the thing that I love most about Catarina as a character
is that her thought processes are just so beautifully, intuitively
clear. Nicol tells her that he loves her – out loud, with his face,
regardless of her being engaged to his best friend – and it's OBVIOUS
that her immediate response is "Oh, he got the line wrong too!" even
before she says it!
Listen, the festival episode is further proof to me that Sophia,
Maria, and Catarina teaming up to run a bookshop/café would be perfect
and absolutely has basis in canon. Especially because it's now
canon that Sophia is happy to just put Nicol on a corner to tout for
trade.
Catarina straight up blocking out anything that involves people
expressing romantic feelings towards her... Honestly makes so much of
this show make sense. Which sounds mean! BUT ALSO IT MAKES SO MUCH
SENSE.
Raphael's brilliant disguise is literally just changing his hair
colour to match his cardigan and as this apocalypse has proved: I
would 100% be taken in!
His boss handing out magic items so that he can go hang out at
the school festival amuses me. And look at this foreshadowing with him
mentioning he's got too much work to do because he's new!
That thud when Maria puts down the sack full of Catarina's
sweets: yes, excellent, exactly as expected. Especially because
Catarina and Maria getting into a battle of compliments pleases me.
LOOK AT HOW MUCH THESE CUTE NERDS ADORE EACH OTHER!
MARIA IS GOING TO WORK FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF MAGIC TO GIVE HER
THE SOCIAL STATUS THAT SHE NEEDS TO STAY WITH CATARINA, OMG I'M DYING.
Look at them gazing dreamily into each others' eyes while shoujo
sparkles and blushing happen! Look at how much these cute nerds
adore each other!
Raphael, third-wheeling:
The idea of Catarina not being able to see her friends – or
garden, or practice her sword-fighting, or browse torrid romances in a
book shop, or any of the other things that becoming royalty would ruin
for her – is cruel and horrible. She would hate that! So much! And we
can't even say "Oh that would never happen," because Geordo would
love to have Catarina to himself!
... Is the Department of Magic just code for "I would like to
social climb in one direction or another, help," because their hiring
strategies seem... Lax...? Which is good! The society in Fortune Lover
is fucking terrible! It's just weird!
HER FIRST QUESTION IS "DOES THAT MEAN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GET
MARRIED?!" I love her so much.
But seriously, the way Raphael talks about her getting marriage
sounds more like she's being sent to prison.
I wonder if this random gemstone will come up later! Hmmmm.
MAGIC SHOW! MAGIC SHOW!
Catarina's unnamed friends: see Geordo's murder aura
Catarina's unnamed friends: FLEE
Catarina: ?????????
I'm so mad that Alan is my favourite of the male love interests.
There's no reason for me to be mad, but I still am! Especially because
when Catarina gives him food, he just starts eating it like a sensible
human.
Geordo: asks polite questions about Maria's stand, which he
approved and knows Catarina helped with
Catarina: OH MY GOD HE'S IN LOVE.
"Maria even makes my heart flutter and I'm a girl!" OH MY GOD
THIS USELESS QUEER.
I think I would like Geordo more if we ever saw him as flustered
as he is in Catarina's imagination.
I really want to know what "Don't you think you're being a bit
close-minded?" was originally. I assume he means it like "What, I
can't mess with her hair?" but it's such an odd way to phrase it.
WE HAVE FINALLY MET THE OLDEST ROYAL SIBLINGS, HURRAAAAAAAAAAY! I
did wonder why they hadn't come up yet! ... So we're all agreed that
the silver-haired goofball is the threat here, right? Also bless
Geordo for the assist, just this once! Duchess Claes would be proud of
Catarina remembering her manners here!
Ian and Geordo: :| :| :|
Alan: D< D< D<
Jeffery: :D :D :D
Susannah getting in on the flirting with Catarina early, I see!
EXCELLENT.
(Listen, I will stop shipping literally everyone with Catarina
when that stops being the entire premise of the show and NOT ONE
MOMENT SOONER.)
SHE IS THE SPITTING IMAGE OF HER MOTHER WHEN SHE'S IN VILLAINESS
MODE, OMG.
— Wait, are they using the opening credits as the closing credits
here?!
... Someone please convince me that I do not want to write the fic
that's theoretically about Sophia and Catarina publishing tawdry
romances but is actually just a love-letter to fan publication and
magical printing presses. It would basically be A Witch's Printing
Office in fanfic form. ... Okay no, actually, I don't want to WRITE
this, I want to READ it, but I think this is one of those rare
occasions where I need to make my own food. Please enjoy the mental
imagery of Catarina explaining doujin circles to Sophia, and then the
explosion of romance zines that follow.
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