In "movies with splend" adventures: last year (Omg that sounds so dramatic, but it was literally like December) we had an afternoon of watching ridiculous Hitman movies! I don't have a lot to say about the Timothy Olyphant one beyond "I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS" and "WHY IS THIS VERSION OF AGENT 47 SO SQUISHY?" (although props for the convoluted plot, that's fine), but I got to rewatch Agent 47: The Misadventures of Katia Van Dees, which I am 100% HERE FOR, so you know what that means! CAPSLOCK AHOY!
- Yaaaaaay nineties voiceover intro! Sam is so done already, and we're not even out of the intro yet!
- I have no idea how accurate this is to the games, because I have never actually played a Hitman game in all my days. Sam is taking the role of "token person who is familiar with this franchise," so if anything is screamingly wrong, I'll be sure to note down what he says!
- ... Does your google maps always come with ominous red hacker static? Because seriously dude, pay attention!
- I do like that the dude has essentially just turned the city into a Rhube-Goldberg device of murder, because I am exceptionally here for it.
- Angry guy: I said give me an update! *slaps dude*
Sam: Oh no he's dead!
Dude: *SUPER DEAD*
I never said that this film wasn't predictable, only that I loved it.
- I find Agent 47's accent to be really soothing, ngl.
- Wiring the gun cabinet to blow was a nice touch!
- MAN IT SURE WOULD BE NICE IF WE COULD FUCKING SEE ANY OF THESE COOL ACTION SHOTS THROUGH ALL OF THESE FLASHING LIGHTS. CAN'T THINK WHY WE'D WANT TO DO THAT THOUGH.
- Apparently the garrote is pleasing to Sam because it's a main weapon in the game, so I guess that's nice!
- Sam's just here like "This feels like a sequel. A very blue sequel." He's not WRONG, but I'm not sure what it would be a sequel TO, because it's sure as heck not the Timothy Olyphant movie unless Agent 47 went through a RADICAL personality change while he was gone.
- Also Sam's more offended than I am that people keep referring to this woman as a girl when she's like twenties or thirties.
- I am so angry at this librarian, though, because friend human, with that much information fucking I could find you something about that guy with so much information!
Does Germany not do a census?! Even if it's sealed for another x-ty years, you should be able to tell her that! But seriously, I've known eighty-five year old women track down distant relatives with less information than what Katia is giving you! What the hell lady, why are you so bad at your job!
- Katia is very precise and I for one appreciate that. Especially because she HATES PEOPLE TOUCHING HER and that is valid!
- I like how she can tell just by looking at this passport that it's demagnetised! And is not afraid to throw down over it, bless Katia very much.
- I don't know why she has super senses, but I'm glad that she did actually do something about the abusive husband instead of just walking by.
- I have no idea why he sleeps sitting up, but sure. He can also be very precise if he wants to be.
- Katia. Katia why do you have a murder wall. KATIA.
- OF COURSE this is going to be a "meds are bad" film. OF COURSE.
- HOW ARE THEY MATCHING HER FROM LIKE TWO INCHES OF HER CHEEK.
- Diana is very pretty, hiiii. I don't know who she is or why, but she's pretty.
- Keeping the money in the back of the fridge door was really smart! I'm impressed!
- DON'T STEAL PEOPLE'S MEDS, WHAT THE FUCK KATIA. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY ARE. KATIA. GET BACK HERE.
- ZACHARY QUINTO WHY ARE YOU CREEPING.
- John Smith my FUCKING LEFT ARSE CHEEK.
- "He's here to kill you. I'm here to stop him." CITATION NEEDED ZACHARY QUINTO.
- "I know you don't have any reason to trust me," YOU'RE DAMN FUCKING RIGHT ZACHARY QUINTO.
- Is Agent 47's literal thing just "Walk slowly and menacingly through crowds and occasionally shoot things"?
- Poor driver, he deserves better.
- As strategies go, "Let's get the nearest embassy to arrest us so that we're not only TECHNICALLY on foreign soil, but we have all of these troops to protect us!" is actually really smart!
- "This is a core mechanic of the game."
"What, getting your guns busted by metal detectors?"
- I LOVE THE LOOK HE GIVES THE SECURITY GUARD! I am so delighted by this!
- Sam is mortally offended because he tried this trick in one game and got shot.
- DUDE WHY HAVE YOU BROUGHT THAT DUDE ALL OF HIS WEAPONS, WHAT THE FUCK, THAT IS THE WORST FUCKING SECURITY.
- "An assassin," dude says sceptically, like he's not sitting behind a fucking HAIR TRIGGER SNIPER RIFLE.
- "Mr 47" is cracking me up.
- WHY DID YOU LOAD THE GUN?! THAT IS 100% UNETHICAL AND ALSO LOOK AT YOUR GUARDS, YOUR GUARDS KNOW THIS IS A FUCKING AWFUL IDEA!
- "Do you love your children enough to die for them?" is going to be a theme of this movie isn't it.
- ... Did Zachary Quinto just CARJACK THE POLICE?!
- Man, Agent 47 changes costumes A LOT. Apparently that's the kind of thing that happens in the game? I just like it because he seems so fancy in his suits and coats and then he just rocks up in whatever uniform he needs with minimal explanation. Of course he can just steal the uniform he needs! Why wouldn't he be able to!
- That must be really terrible for Katia, because she found out she has a father! ... And he's evil!
- That shot of Agent 47 SHOOTING THROUGH A MOVING TRAIN to hit a car on the other side was really cool! Both in how he did it, and how the film did it!
- OBLIGATORY SHOWER SCENE. I think it says something that this Hitman adaptation has the obligatory shower scene and STILL manages to sexualise its female lead less than the other one.
- Man, telling Katia that he isn't authorised to help her is NEXT LEVEL manipulating her into helping him! Good work John, I am impressed!
- He fucked up a perfectly good daughter is what he did, look at her, she's got anxiety.
- That hesitation when he says "Lung cancer." That's pretty cool.
- I LOVE the scene where she deduces where her father is, that makes me SO HAPPY. You can SEE the deductions happening, and there's so much information that she's putting together!
- John Smith getting shot managed to genuinely surprise Sam, yay! He apparently wasn't expecting it this soon!
- Does she just have contact telepathy or what? Or is it just that something in the sensory experience of being touched triggers her repressed memories?
- Agent 47 trying to be kind in the most backhanded way possible is really nice. Even if he immediately follows it up with leaving her tied to a chair in front of a turbine.
- "That took you too long."
"I didn't know it was a test."
- MEDS ARE IMPORTANT YOU DUMBFUCK WHEEL OF CHEESE. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS, HOLLYWOOD. (... Okay, I think the thing is that the meds ARE helping Katia, but they're helping her not be anxious and full of supersenses, and that's the opposite of what he needs from her? I DON'T KNOW, LET ANXIOUS PEOPLE TAKE ANTI-ANXIETY MEDS.)
- I legit made Sam rewind back to the reveal, because he missed it!
- "What do we do?" THIS IS SUCH A HORRIBLE BUT INTERESTING TRAINING METHOD, I love these bits! Especially because it's just like "No, what would you do if we didn't have anxiety?"
- Guns are too noisy, but throwing a guy into a wood chipper is fine now?!
- Man, he's just making you an accessory to all of the murders isn't he. But you're so good at it!
- This is gory and cool, but also KATIAAAAAA.
- He only promised that you wouldn't get shot! Not that Zachary Quinto wouldn't kick your ass!
- Sam is honestly disappointed that his expectations weren't being subverted by John Smith actually literally being dead.
- SERIOUSLY WHY DO YOU NEED HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU, IF YOU SHOOT HIM YOU HAVE THE PROOF THAT YOU'RE BETTER.
- "You missed."
"No, she didn't."
- OH THAT WAS CHEKOV'S ENGINE, OKAY.
- Casually stealing a costume as he walks! I like it!
- But! But! Look at Katia applying reasoning to solving this problem! Look at her!
- "I know, I took too long."
"Moths. Italian wool, they love it."
THAT IS THE MOST HUMAN HE HAS BEEN ALL FILM, I LOVE IT.
- That is the face of a woman who wants to poke a guy in the barcode. I know, because that's the face I made.
- Agent 47's FACE when she tells him about the inhaler.
- Katia: What about love?
47: *INTENSE HESITATION*
Jay: Oh god, don't cram a romance in here.
- And he just INSTANTLY falls asleep with his guns next to him, I hate him so much.
- KATIA NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING, THAT IS A TERRIBLE FUCKING PLAN.
- "When I get anxious and I can't sleep, I take things apart." Sam is like "Ugh, but you could have set it up earlier," and me and Jay are just there like "Yeah, I'd do that."
- "I traded it."
THAT KID IS GOING TO DO A MURDER, I CAN SEE IT ALREADY. ALSO WOW, KATIA HAD A KNIFE FOR LESS THAN A MINUTE, GOOD JOB.
- Jay: I like that he traded it instead of taking it.
Sam: But he gave him a KNIFE.
- "You had no right to turn me into this isolated afraid thing that I am!" is basically how I feel about my anxiety, to be honest. Like, when my anxiety gets really bad, that line pops into my head again, because that's how it feels.
- That "father" was cutting.
- "We determine who we are by what we do."
"You believe you have a choice?"
"I believe that's what makes up human."
PAY ATTENTION KIDS, THE THEME OF THE MOVIE IS BEING LAID OUT.
- SIBLINGS! SIBLING ANTICS! Like, I would fucking fight someone for the 50k fic of sibling antics, please AO3 don't let me down.
- "What do they want?"
"More of me."
"Who'd want more of you?!"
... Look, I know that I'm not supposed to just yell SIBLINGS at this movie all the time, but I JUST WANT FIC OF THEM BICKERING FOREVER, OKAY.
- Motorbikes vs cars is terrible!
- "Right or left, Katia?"
- "Perhaps you should consider shooting them."
"Sub-dermal body armour."
"They actually got that to work?!"
- Oh hey look, that's actually the plot? Right there! They just laid it out! Right there!
- Susan: HOW MANY HOOKS ARE YOU PUTTING INTO THAT CAR?!
Sam: ALL OF THEM.
- Katia having to be dragged away from Litvenko breaks my heart. SHE HAS FOUND THE ONE THING SHE HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL THIS TIME. AND SHE'S LOSING IT.
- Sam explained the inhaler theft to Jay, and his immediate response was "I don't think they can be turned into explosives." P-P-P-POKER FACE P-P-POKER FACE.
- "I should kill you!"
"Yes you should."
- Litvenko dragging John Smith to hell and back is great.
- "The chairman is out!" they say in a panic, because MAN WHO NEVER LEAVES HIS TINY WHITE ROOM HAS LEFT HIS TINY WHITE ROOM.
- WHY DID YOU BET ALL OF THAT WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE A PLAN THEN.
- "Good thing I sold your stock then."
- "You can't change who you are."
"So I should embrace it instead?"
- "This desperation, it suits you." Well THAT sounds filthy.
- "You want an army. And I'm not going to give it to you."
... I know Litvenko is not a good man, but he gets ALL the good lines.
- KATIA YES, GO, EAT THEM.
- Agent 47 just casually sneaking in in costume, as you do.
- KATIA IS FULL OF MURDER AND I LOVE HER.
- So he's punch-shooting John Smith, and also shooting him in the dick a bunch. OKAY. ... Did they put sub-dermal plating there too?! I kinda want to know!
- "What was your mistake?"
"I don't make mistakes."
"You needed me to know you were better than me."
- TANDEM SLIDE OF DEATH!
- Katia putting her hair up to throw down is BEAUTIFUL. And then 47 just passing her a gun, which they both check in synchronisation!
- I LOVE THEM. SIBLING ANTICS.
- AGENT 47 TAKING A BULLET FOR KATIA, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
- Look! See! The themes united, of what parents will do for children and people changing who they are!
- Sam and Jay were arguing about whether the inhaler was a transmitter or the actual grenade, and I THINK the conclusion they just came to was that the grenade would be more stupid, so obviously that's what it was.
- ... Oh god, in retrospect, John Smith wasn't even LYING, Agent 47 WAS technically there to kill her! Augh, this is probably how he managed to get it past her when she's so good at telling when people are lying to her!
- Sam: Sequel hook...? Reader, they did not get a sequel.
- I really love this film, because mostly non-sexualised female character who gets to be an anxious mess AND a stone-cold killer, AND action scenes, AND almost sibling nonsense! THIS IS WHAT I WANT FROM FILMS, WHY DO MORE OF THEM NOT LET ME HAVE IT.